Shame VS Self-Love
I’m sure you’ve heard this before, it might have come up in your feed as a motivational quote: “You cannot shame yourself into change. You can only love yourself into evolution.” But what does it really mean?
Well, this isn't just a feel-good mantra, it is also backed by the science of psychology, human motivation and behaviour.
Let’s look at the psychology of Shame vs. Self-Love and acceptance first.
Shame is the harsh critic, a relentless voice in our heads that reminds us of our past mistakes (real or perceived), our imperfections, and challenges. And what it does really is that it amplifies them and repeats them, over and over again, until we believe them so strongly that we stop pursuing our goals and dreams.
Now, shame can feel like a powerful motivator at times, but it's a short-lived one. When we rely on shame to drive change in our lives we create a vicious cycle of self-doubt and guilt, that leads to resistance and makes us feel like we are paralysed due to these amplified negative thoughts, feelings and behavioural patterns.
Self-love, on the other hand, is a gentle, unwavering force. It can be nurtured and it grows…and becomes a phenomenal feeling of self-acceptance and self-forgiveness through self compassion. It also becomes inner peace, trust and hope for the future and essentially it helps us grow and change in ways that are sustainable and empowering with every small step along the way.
When we approach change from a place of self-love, we're more likely to be patient, persistent, and forgiving with ourselves and we are more likely to succeed.
So here are some ways self-acceptance and self-love can fuel our transformation:
Increased Motivation: When we love ourselves, we're more motivated to make choices that align with our values and goals. We're less likely to sabotage our efforts, we are less likely to bully ourselves when we feel that we are making mistakes and we are less likely to give up.
Enhanced Resilience: Self-love and acceptance helps us bounce back from setbacks and challenges. We start to look at ourselves differently, our inner dialogue changes from harsh words to kinder ones, we start viewing detours, seeming errors and even failures as opportunities for growth, not as evidence of our worthlessness or our inability to change, grow and thrive.
Improved Self-efficacy: We start believing in ourselves and in our abilities and that is crucial for change.
Reduced Stress: Self-love helps us manage stress and anxiety better. When we're kind to ourselves, we're less likely to experience the negative effects of chronic stress, we learn ways of self-regulation and self-care and we take a more mindful approach to solving problems and navigating life.
Stronger Relationships: First of all, a stronger, kinder, more loving and more authentic relationship with ourselves, and therefore others around us, because we're more likely to attract and maintain relationships with people who love and support us.
Now, here are some practical steps we can take to cultivate Self-Love:
Practice and cultivate self-acceptance: Anything and everything we have done or said is in the past, any and every version of us is also in the past and there is nothing at all we can do to change that. So make peace with it. It is done. And this may take time and practice really, but we can get to a place of self-acceptance where we are at peace with ourselves.
Forgiveness: We all made mistakes in the past, and we will make mistakes in the future. Fact. So let’s make friends with facts and focus on what we can learn from them so we can move forward…
Practice Self-Compassion: Now, self-compassion is the action that comes from empathy towards ourselves. Meaning that we want to help ourselves in a kind and empowering way. Yes. I’ll say this again… We want to help ourselves in a way that is kind and empowering, like we would do with a dear friend, with the same kindness and understanding we would offer to another.
Practice self-care, self-regulation and mindfulness! We must prioritise activities that nourish our mind, body, and soul. It is an absolute must. I can’t emphasise this enough.
Set goals and celebrate achievements : First of all, dare to dream big, without fears and limitations… It is wonderful to allow ourselves to entertain ideas where everything in our lives works out even better than we could hope for… It keeps us inspired. It is important. BUT, it is also important to use our goal setting as a practical tool where we paint the big picture and then we are able to break down big goals into smaller ones and into manageable action steps, so we feel motivated and not overwhelmed. Because our aim is to reach our goals and also to feel a sense of accomplishment when we reach each milestone. No matter how small, or how big, acknowledging our achievements and giving ourselves credit is a wonderful way to celebrate ourselves and also to allow and train ourselves, so to speak, to enjoy the journey.
Remember, transformation and our own evolution is an ongoing process, it never ends. But when we neglect ourselves, when we bully ourselves, when we shame ourselves we cannot change for the better.
So please know, that self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-love and care are things that we can and should cultivate, nurture and grow continuously. This is “the art of small steps”, an ongoing evolution, not a destination.
It is about consistently and continuously choosing ourselves, making peace with past versions of ourselves, embracing who we are right now, in this present moment and allowing ourselves to grow and become who we wish to be, unlocking our full potential along the way, and creating a life for ourselves that we truly love living.
